it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
