And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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