can we get nightvision for the apartment?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
