GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so let's talk penis.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
