I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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