how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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