dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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