I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
