maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
