haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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