So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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