I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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