I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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