why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
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I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
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Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.