Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.