You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
