when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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