dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
