4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
