your parents love me but you hate me
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
