She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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