I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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