Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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