Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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