Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
