And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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