I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
