there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
