My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
