You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
