I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
