Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
