WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
