Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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