I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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