At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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