Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
