He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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