I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
