im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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