And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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