wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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