The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
