So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
