Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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