I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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