sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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