New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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