Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
