i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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