i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
