I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
