i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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