I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we're making bets on your personal life
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
