I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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