I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
