ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
