gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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