so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
